A Mosaic Darkness

An exposition on recovering from trauma and mental health struggle.


Life is about exploring and finding the meaning of your existence. You become part of a world that revolves around everyone that has tons of experiences. There are moods that you need to manage and emotions that you need to put into a remix. Sometimes you realize that life is full of surprises! You literally begin to wonder, “How in the world is that possible?”

I myself have drowned in the mysterious world of depression. It does pull you down inside, and it could surely hit you like a big rock!

Sometimes it feels like you are in a black hole, trying to reach out to the nearest light, and it’s a hopeless, endless struggle. You laugh so hard, but after that, you cry a lot by yourself. There’s a pain inside you that no one can see. Sometimes, it could feel like you are in the middle of nowhere, just floating in the abyss of the darkness.

Back in 2019, my father was diagnosed with Pulmonary Tuberculosis. We thought he could be cured by taking the medicines prescribed by the doctors. However, during the last quarter of that year, his body got so weak. You could see it in his eyes: a look of despair, the emotions of sadness. He did not want to die. He still hoped to live.

Sigh…

Being the youngest in the family, I assumed the responsibility of taking care of him, even if I had a day job back then. I did not want my mother to worry about it, because she was at a point in her life where having enough sleep and rest was truly important.

For months, I couldn’t clear myself. I felt the rush in my heart during those times. There was a lot of denial in my mind. I was happy, truly happy—and so hopeful. I was confident my father would be healed. He would be able to live longer than was expected.

But… I lost him.

The worst thing I could have expected. My eyes were filled with tears every single day, my heart was filled with so much pain, and my mind was filled with a lot of denial. But grief was not an option. It could not exist in my emotions.

It was not the only death I experienced that year. There was also another death, my cat’s. Then there was rejection, betrayal, and more torment. Those agonies came to me at the same time. My emotional response ended up in a long-term relationship with depression and anxiety. Despite that, I still went on with my life. It was the behavioral response inside me.

Years have passed, but those experiences are still flowing in my mind and my heart. I’m still not okay. Traumatic stress can be downright destructive, and it will depend on the person on how they can handle it.

There are a lot of ways for you to help yourself:

Time.

This will help you to understand that time heals all wounds. It allows you to cope with your feelings and emotions. The affliction will vanish little by little.

Family.

They will be there for you no matter what happens. The bond that you share with them will surely ground you in reality.

Friends.

Limit yourself to the friends that will truly help you in times like these. Friends that will be there for you through thick and thin. Beware of friends that only allow you in their lives when they need you. One or two good friends are enough to make you feel more secure.

Professional help.

These are the people that will surely help you to recover from your trauma. They will help you to get rid of your dejection.

And most important of all:

Prayer.

No matter what religion or faith you believe in, prayer does work. It makes everything fall into place. No matter what religion you are, prayer works for everyone.

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